As a potential stepmother, is it realistic to expect a single father to love me without ranking me?  I hear many single fathers and mothers say that if they remarry, their kids will come before the person they marry.  Even within dating profiles single parents often site, “you should know that my kids will always come first,” (i.e., you will rank second).  I understand priorities and appreciate and applaud a single parent’s resolve to maintain healthy parenting even in the midst of a romantic relationship.  However, once you marry and this person joins your family, are they still second place?  I’ve never heard a couple who have kids together say that their kids come first.  What I sometimes hear the husband or wife say is that their family comes first.

So is ranking within the family necessary?  If you have 3 children, have you decided that Johnny ranks before Susie, who ranks before Cathy?  Is it possible for single parents to simply view a new spouse as one who ranks as top priority along with the other members of the family?  I would hope that if a single parent marries, he or she has carefully considered whether they married someone who will love and care for his/her children.  So, if I promise not to rank you and your children as second class citizens in my life, am I being too sensitive when it hurts and repels me when you tell me your children will come first?

A friend of mine wrote a funny comedy sketch where she takes God to couples therapy.  If God is her husband, they’re not getting along too well so she thinks it’s time they got some outside intervention.  One of her frustrations, which she shares with the counselor, is that her husband thinks he’s right all the time.  Since her husband is God, He can’t help but retort, “I AM right all the time.”  Anyway, Susan Isaacs (author Angry Conversations with God), is a brilliant, funny writer and actress (she played Elaine’s neighbor on Seinfeld).  It’s a sketch that has stayed with me over the years, especially when I’m giving God the silent treatment or when I want him to feel sorry for me, and other things I do to do to manipulate God – and by the way, none of it ever works.  But as a Christian, I am the bride of Christ (as are male Christians, so chew on that for a while), so I need to consider… how am I treating my husband?

Honestly, I’m the type of bride who wants a lot, but gives little. I often only go to him when I need help or want something.  And when he wants to spend time with me, I’m usually too busy.  But I do give him Sunday mornings… I got that going for me.  At times I find him very demanding and oh so opinionated.  I also get bored with him and do little to liven things up.  Our life is certainly not about the “we,” but about the “me.”  So I have to ask myself, “Why stay married?”  It seems as though I’m unhappy and not at all satisfied.

The answer that I came up with is that I stay because I’m committed to this relationship.  That if I look back over the years, we have grown as a couple and I love him more today than before.  I stay because he’s really good to me and always faithful – even when I’ve strayed.  He makes me better than I am.  I stay because not only does he show me that he wants me, but that he also needs me.  It’s nice being valued.  His presence is comforting and consistent, even in the bad times (and yes, there are bad times).  I stay because he’s always got my back and has done more for me and my loved ones than I could have ever asked.  Our future together is full of hope – bright and beautiful.  Yeah, my Husband… I’d say he’s a keeper.  And perhaps I’ll work on being a more loving wife.  Those skills may even come in handy when I become a flesh and bones bride!

I have a life outside of my “finding him” mode. I know you may not believe that because I incessantly talk about it.  But it’s a blog about finding him, so I can’t help myself.  Sometimes I don’t think about “him.”  Instead, I think about food – how I can eat more yummy stuff without getting any fatter, about how I can sneak out of work early, and about the last annoying conversation that I had, and I even think about what I should be thinking about.

I do also think about my future, which is hard to think about without thinking about “him.”  I’ve discovered that I am at the age where I’m thinking more about my pre-retirement and retirement years.  I could never get in that mode before, but now I constantly wonder about it.  I wouldn’t say that I worry.  I just try to figure it out.  I’ve moved quite a bit and changed jobs more than a few times in the last 8 years.  I’d like to settle somewhere, to feel a sense of home…where I belong, but it hasn’t come to me yet.  But I think of home as a place where my daily life is connected to those around me.  That means, how I retire or where I retire would impact more than just me. But right now that’s not the case, and that’s not something I want to think about.

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Well apparently so.  It’s obvious that anything a black woman will do to add value to her life will guarantee failure for marriage.

It bothers me that CNN didn’t explore the logic deeper before deciding it was worthy of an article.  It perpetuates this notion that black women are doing something wrong and that’s why their desire for marriage goes unfulfilled.  But being a woman of faith isn’t wrong, just as being a woman with a successful career isn’t wrong.

Instead, looking for solutions that will improve the opportunities for black women to find love is a better focus.  Those improvements shouldn’t include banning areas that bring value to a woman’s life life religion and a college education.

In my “Making Love” pretend reality show, 5 family members/ friends get to pick my “him,” before I’m swept away to spend 8 weeks with this stranger.  (see my blog under “52 Weeks 2 Find Him” to learn more about the show).  Because my imagination likes to go wild, I continued my pretend vision of the reality show by deciding who those 5 family / friends would be.  It was so difficult to decide who had the right skills and abilities to identify the guy for me.  The person closes to you might not be the person you want to choose your husband (especially if you don’t like her taste in men).  So I imagine all sorts of drama when I pick my 5 family and friends.  My sister is mad that I didn’t pick her.  One of my best friends won’t speak to me because she’s not on the list, and another friend doesn’t want to get involved because she says, “it’s too much pressure.”  Tell me about it!  It’s my future. How could use refuse to help me?

You should take the test – if you had to choose 5 people who would pick the person for you to spend the rest of your life with, who would it be?  Who knows you well, and as important, who knows your taste in men?  Who is discerning enough to see through men for who they really are?  I choose my sister, Bev, my friends Christine and Traci, brother Wesley, and my former pastor, Donna.  Okay.  Your turn.

Yeah, I know this “what would you do scenario seems pretty silly and far fetch, but in all seriousness, millions of people all over the world let their loved ones pick their spouses.  8 of my friends did so in the last year and a half.  Throughout the globe, many of these arranged marriages work and there are definitely those that don’t.  I will say that I’m grateful that we live in an age and location where we can choose to let our loved ones pick or we can politely ask them to butt out.



Yes. I’ve dated them… Joe, the recently divorced, quirky soul who has a heart of gold, a good sense of humor, but a major flaw, like a gambling addiction.  Then there’s Terry, the commitment phobic, who used to be a real heart breaker 15 years ago.  His charm and sex appeal are intact, as is his adventurous soul.  But, he’s afraid of growing old, afraid of growing old alone, and even more afraid of marrying.  And there’s also Owen, who has daddy issues and needs to be affirmed all the time.  He’s got low self esteem, but thinks the world of you, and is so grateful that you are with him.

These are the men in my dating pool – the 40 – 50-somthings who are far from perfect.  Some are balding, others have grown that tire middle.  Many are beat down from ex-wives and/or broke from having a house full of kids.  There are those recently divorced desperate to be in a new relationship and those with divorces not so recent, terrified of having another failed relationship.  These men have been around the block more than a few times.  They’re not geniuses, but they understand how the world works, they understand women my age.  They know who JR is and Captain Stubing.  They can sing along to the Commodores and Fleetwood Mac.  They’re contemplating their retirement fund, they understand how precious time is, and they have substance that comes from maturity.

‘Men of a Certain Age” may not have abs of steel or biceps that aren’t full of jello.  They might rather stay home and watch TV instead of dancing the night away, but I’d take them any day over a 20 or 30-something who is still figuring out how to be a man.

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It seems almost laughable when you listen to these supermodels during interviews who confess how unattractive and inadequate they feel.  From Cindy Crawford to Karolina Kurkova, they speak of days they didn’t want to get out of bed because they felt ugly.  Hmmm, I’m thinking, there’s not a guy in America who doesn’t find you beautiful.  Tell me you feel inadequate when balancing your checkbook or that you feel you don’t measure up when attempting small talk at a dinner party.  But they’ve got to be delusional if they lack self esteem in the looks department.

Well, lately I’ve been wondering – aren’t we all a little delusional?  When I had my online dating profile up, I tried to post photos that were real and recent.  Plus the videos also gave men a good idea of what they would see when they met me in person.  But there we many times I was afraid that once I’d walk inside the Starbucks (or other meeting spot) my date would take one look at me and walk in the opposite direction.  See, the last couple of years my weight has gone up about 20 – 30 pounds, despite my best efforts. It’s done a number on my self esteem.  But like I said earlier, the photos and videos I posted were recent, so men who asked me out knew how I looked.

I remember one date in particular where I really liked the guy. We clicked over the phone and I was excited to meet him in person.  For the date, I bought a new dress, and I even went to the hair dresser that day.  But as I was preparing to leave for the date, I felt so unattractive.  Our meeting spot was this swanky hot spot in Manhattan.  I walked in to find a bunch of 20 and 30 something beautiful women, who were hanging out.  One look at them, and my self esteem plummeted further.  This time, I wanted to be the one to turn and walk in the opposite direction and just forget the whole thing.  You know, reject him before he can reject me.  Instead, when I turned, I saw this really, cute guy looking at me.  I smiled.  He looked just like his profile picture.  And his expression said it all, “I definitely like what I see.”  At that moment, all my feelings of inadequacy melted away.  The date went really well.  I was relieved.  But when I got home that night, it felt as if something was missing.

I realized I had given my power away! My feelings of attractiveness rested in the hands of a stranger.  My self worth shouldn’t have come from him.  But it wasn’t his fault because I projected the power on to him.  Don’t get me wrong, I understand that as emotional beings, what people think of us and how they respond to us will impact our lives.  If our significant other is constantly putting us down, then that will hurt and wound us.  So even a supermodel can feel like an ugly duckling.  But it’s within my power to change how I feel about myself.  I can make a conscious effort to let go of the negative thoughts as well as criticism by others, replacing them with healthy, whole and truthful information, so that one comment or one glance can’t tear it all down.  I will continue to work toward looking my best physically, but more so I’ll guard my power, manage my emotions and remember that I have a lot more in common with a supermodel than I ever imagined.

A friend and I were talking the other day about a possible Sex and the City 3 movie.  I know many of you disliked Sex and the City 2.  I was one of a few who actually enjoyed it (although I did think parts were offensive).  I guess I enjoyed it because my expectations were different.  I just wanted to see my girls again and learn of the latest dilemmas life has thrown at them.  I liked the series and the movie because they were women my age.  They certainly didn’t live the same day to day life that I did, but there were similarities.  Like me and my friends, they fought and made up, talked about boys, kids, complained about their jobs, and shared what only girlfriends can share.
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Aside from your employer, does it matter to anyone whether you stay late for work or come home early?  If you didn’t step out of your home for 3 days, would anyone notice?  Who are you connected to so that on a regular basis, your every day routine impacts someone else?  My answer to these questions is a big fat zero.  I live in a world fairly isolated from others.  I can’t say that I do it by choice.  But here I am in a place where no one is aware of my comings and goings.  And certainly no one depends on me and I depend on no one.  Some may view it as complete freedom.  For me, it’s one of those dilemmas where I love my independence and all its benefits, but I wouldn’t mind a few ties.  Yes, I want to have my cake and eat it too.  How many of you can relate?
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